


How to Teach a Spider Child and Goddess of Death to be Human (Hint: You Don't)

by NoahLikesHummus



Series: Eh, what could go wrong? [3]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Because Deadpool, Crack Treated Seriously, Kinda, Mentions of drugs, Peter Parker Acts Like a Spider, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-21 21:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16584092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoahLikesHummus/pseuds/NoahLikesHummus
Summary: Wade helps Hela and Peter adapt to human society. It goes about as well as expected.





	1. Remember kids, hugs not drugs!

‘This is where you live.’ Hela observes, gently petting Peter’s head as the spider child clings to her back, peering around curiously with all his eight eyes. Hela doubts he can actually see all that much at the moment, but perhaps that is a good thing. She looks around the room, distaste obvious at the complete and utter mess that surrounds her.

Yes, definitely a good thing.

‘Yep!’ Wade exclaims, awfully giddy as he shows his two new roomies his humble abode. ‘The toilet’s over there, and the shower, and the fridge is, uhh, best not speak of the fridge. Now, blind Al lives here too, so Petey, please don’t try to eat her, she’s feisty. And be careful of that floorboard over there-’ He gestures near the couch, which is just as rundown as the rest of the house, before leaning in and mock-whispering in Hela’s ear; ‘That’s where I keep the cocaine.’

Hela raises an eyebrow. ‘The what?’ She has absolutely no idea what such a thing is. Perhaps some form of hidden treasure? Did Midgardians truly still keep things of such value hidden so poorly? ‘Is it some form wealth?’ She asks.

Wade gasps, hands drawn up to his face in horror, his mouth open as he appears to be speechless despite the tremors that run through his body as he tries to hold in his laughter. Hela dearly wants to stab him as it becomes obvious that the mercenary is screwing with her, and if Peter’s growl is anything to go by, then she isn’t the only one.

A blade forms in her free hand, as sharp and black as her soul. Wade quickly gets the message.

‘Drugs!’ He shouts, and that is a term Hela is somewhat familiar with. From memory, her father was as fond of drugs as he was ale. No wonder Odin became such an old fool.

Peter hisses at the word, undoubtedly also knowing the meaning about it and being the wonderous ray of sunshine the spider child is, he uncurls himself from Hela’s form, pulls up the floorboard and throws the bags of white powder out the window.

‘Hey! No! Bad spidey!’

Hela smirks, holding her arms as Peter once again moves to climb onto her. ‘I think Peter objects.’

‘Well, Petey doesn’t know the wonders of the world yet, now does he?’

Hela runs her hand through Peter’s fur, the spider child clinging even closer to her as sharp nails scratch in just the right spots in attempt to get more. He is not disappointed as Hela doubles her efforts.

Suddenly the room goes silent. Wade is staring at the two of them, and while just moments prior there was a certain light in his eyes, a looseness in his posture that made him all the more humorous in a way that is simply _Deadpool_ , the way he looks at Hela and Peter has become strange, out of character. A serious form of contemplation, Hela realises. She hasn’t thought Wade the type to be either serious or contemplative, apparently, she had been incorrect in that assumption.

Hela cradles the blade in her hand loosely and asks; ‘What is on your mind?’ Once upon a time she would have demanded, or perhaps she would have simply ignored anyone who wore such a troubled expression. But that was during a time of war and conquest, when was known as Odin’s daughter and feared throughout the universe, before she was locked away in the depths of Hel.

Now, however, she has faced loss and the concept of death. She has survived and adapted. She has things to live for, her spider child and this strange immortal human, and as such she acknowledges that she needs to make an effort. To keep these two beings who make her heart flutter and her lip quirk up in amusement, she needs to show that she- ugh- cares.

And so rather than demanding or ignoring, Hela throws away all of her upbringing and _asks._ Though it may not seem so on the outside, internally such an insignificant action is incredibly difficult for her. The constant _humm_ of the spider child in the back of her mind, their bond that of kin, helps push her in the right direction.

Wade smiles, as though he can see the progress she has made. Or perhaps he too can hear the constant _humm_ of the spider child at the back of his mind.

‘Spidey was human.’ He says. ‘Just a kid, and he’s got people that care looking out for him- well one person, who is Tony genius-but-still-a-fucking-moron Stark, which means that Petey here has a life to go back to.’

‘He’s a giant spider, Wade.’

‘Exactly!’ Wade exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air. ‘Wait- no- not exactly. But it’s the point. Somewhere inside all that weird hair and instincts and fags- oh wow are they sharp- is a _kid_ , and maybe that kid just might want to go _home_.’

Something in Hela’s stomach tightens at the, admittedly reasonable, logic behind Wade’s words. Peter’s eight limbs had tightened around her as Wade spoke, becoming almost binding and at the mention of _home_ Peter whines, a low sound filled with pain. Hela turns her head slightly to better look at the spider child’s face.

Images prod at the back of her mind, of a woman all to cruel, kicking her nephew to the curb as though he were nothing. _Lonely not safe help please don’t leave me everything wrong I’m **scared** _come with the images.

Then the scene changes, to a dark space and a voice oh so welcoming, waiting by his side and protecting him from the world outside the cacoon. Awakening for the first time after a very long sleep, scared and confused because _everything different but how why what’s happened where’s **safe?**_

It’s an intrusion into Hela’s mind, though not an unwelcome one. On the contrary, the telepathic link she shares with the spider child is most welcome. It enables her to understand and communicate with him on a level that would be impossible to achieve otherwise. Despite the form the spider child has taken, his behaviour, along with his disjointed thoughts, are not entirely like the spiders of Midgard.

Being able to understand the spider child makes her the best person to help Peter in adjusting to his transformation. Should she turn him over to this Tony genius-but-still-a-fucking-moron Stark, it is undoubtable that the man (is it a man? Bah, she couldn’t care less) would assume Peter to be of the mindset of a Midgardian spider species.

Peter’s body trembles, and it takes Hela far longer than it should to realise that he is afraid of being abandoned. Again.

Smiling sadly (and oh what a strange feeling that is), Hela sends through her feelings of _protect never leave behind_ and for good measures she also adds **_my child_** to the link. While human words cannot express the attachment she feels towards the spider child, she finds that the parental role comes closest.

Giving Wade attention long overdue, Hela says to the Merc; ‘Peter was abandoned by his aunt and has nowhere to go. From what you have told me about Tony genius-but-still-a-fucking-moron Stark, I do not wish for Peter to be treated as an experiment. He needs to adjust to his transformation, and I fully intend on assisting him in doing so. I may not have known the spider child for long, but if anything were to happen to him I would kill everyone on this pathetic planet and then myself.’

She expects protest, or for a fight to break out. She is prepared to defend herself, and the spider child, from this friend she has made. She is prepared to fight Wade until the immortal finally dies, despite not yet being anywhere near full power herself.

What she doesn’t expect (though in hindsight she probably should have, really, she’s spent how long with the mercenary now?) is for Wade to laugh. And laugh. And laugh. He doubles over on the floor, muttering about something called ‘Brooklyn Nine Nine’ and ‘references’ and Hela finds herself once again at a loss when it comes to human culture.

Strangely enough, Peter seems to understand what Wade is talking about. He is making little happy sounds, a sort of buzzing that is rather strange to hear, but also quite wonderous.

Hela doesn’t know much about spiders, and she wonders if they all make such noises on this planet or if Peter is simply even more unique than previously presumed. Another thing to learn about Midgard, she supposes.

‘Okay,’ Wade starts once he has calmed down, ‘so instead of sending Petey to a professional, we’re going to teach him to be human again? Also you do know that it’s just Tony Stark, right?’

‘He will never be human again.’ Hela informs. ‘However, he should be able to go back into human society, with the right help. And I was under the impression that Tony Stark has a rather long and unfortunate nickname.’

Wade snorts. ‘I just said that because Stark didn’t believe me when I said good ol’- or is it young? I guess it’s young- spidey here is Petey when I gave him a call.’

‘Such a shame.’ Hela says, sarcasm evident in her tone. ‘I am also lacking in knowledge of the Midgardian system of living, or as I have heard, ‘been living under a rock’. If I am to stay with Peter and blend in, I will require knowledge.’

‘Right.’ Wade says, squinting at Hela suspiciously. ‘Shit. Whatever. Fuck the Avengers, we’re all in this together and all that. Operation help Petey pretend to be human is a-go! Step one, taking human form.’

‘Very well.’ Hela says, directing her attention to Peter. She pushes images of the first night of his awakening into his mind, of a giant spider morphing into a human shape, and requests that the spider child do so again.

Peter sends his excitement, along with his nerves through the link, crawling off her back and shifting into the four-limbed form that is _vulnerable vulnerable not safe not right_ , and Hela sends a very strong reassurance of _protect_ right back at him.

Hela and Wade both stare as Peter’s form slowly shifts and convulses. The horrific transformation from spider to man that takes place in front of them would have made anyone else nauseous. Luckily, they aren’t anyone else.

Once the transformation is complete, Wade averts his eyes. Hela raises an eyebrow as she observes the spider child.

‘I suppose step two would be clothes, then?’ She asks.

Wade nods. ‘That’s a good idea. Can I go get my cocaine back now before someone steals it?’

_‘Hiss!’_

‘I’ll take that as a yes. Thanks Petey- oh shit you bit me.’

‘Remember kids, hugs not drugs.’ Hela says, bringing a hand to her mouth to hide her smirk that is more of a smile.

‘That’s my line!’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry it took me so long to get to the next part of this series. I have been both busy and busy procrastinating! Anyway I have another story planned that I'm really eager to write, but I want to work on improving my writing style a whole lot before I start working on it. So if anyone has any constructive criticism or any advice, I'd love to hear it :D
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter :D


	2. Silly humans

Spider Peter knows things. Lots and lots of things. He knows everything that Human Peter learnt, and oh boy was human Peter smart. Spider Peter and Human Peter are one in the same, after all.

He also knows many spider things too. Like bugs are yummy. He wonders if bigger things are yummy too and is very interested in finding out. He knows that the strange death lady who spoke to him is **_safe_** , and that she, along with the human male passed out on the floor are _packfamilycluttermine_ , even if the human male is silly enough to provoke him.

It is good to know that his _packfamilycluttermine_ can survive his venom, it means they are strong. Worthy.

Peter also knows in some warped way that how he is now isn’t how he always was. That he should be human, but unlike silly humans, spiders don’t worry about what once was. Spiders worry about _preydangerpreditorfoodwebs **safe**_ and not much else, so he doesn’t worry much about how he isn’t what he should be.

Peter doesn’t worry about much anymore, the strange death lady is **_safe_** and that’s all that matters.

Well, he does worry about one thing. As the human male comes back into the room (when did he leave why didn’t the venom work for longer?) with a strange flowy cloth _(clothes,_ he recognises from the remnants of human memory) he panics. Using four limbs, flailing because there should be eight (but no that’s not right there should be four no eight nothing is right anymore he wants to curl around **_safe_** again), he manages to crawl up the wall.

Despite the human male’s protests, Peter doesn’t stop moving until he finds a nice corner at the very top. Staring down at the human male, Peter lets out a warning hiss.

The human male stares blankly at him for a moment, curses under his breath and turns to the strange death lady. ‘He’s on the roof. How the fuck did I forget he could do that?’

Peter rolls his eyes. Silly human male, he can do lots of things.

To demonstrate this, Peter shoots a web out of his wrist, snatching the clothes out of the human male’s hands. The human male lets out a surprised squeak as Peter sniffs the clothes, scrunching his nose up in disdain. Without hesitance he throws the clothes across the room.

The strange death lady rolls her eyes (something Peter can only notice if he squints and woah his eyesight shouldn’t be this good this body is so weird) as the human male lets out a string of curse words while he goes to pick up the clothes.

Despite his awkward angle and how tangled his too few limbs are, Peter manages to puff his chest out, _humming_ in pride.

There’s a strange pull on the back of his mind, a prodding sensation, as the strange death lady gently nudges images of humans getting dressed, encouraging to do as they do. Peter curls in on himself, sending _nu uh_ right back at her through their bond.

‘Peter.’ The strange death lady says aloud. ‘Clothes. Now.’

Peter shakes his head. He hisses in warning as he notices the human male trying to sneak to the side and catch him by surprise. The human male throws his hand above his head, flinging the clothes right into Peter’s face as he does so. Peter lets the clothes fall to the floor.

‘C’mon Petey.’ The human male says. ‘If you stay naked for much longer the readers are going to think that this is an entirely different kind of fanfic, so please, just _please,_ for my sake.’

The strange death lady turns to the human male. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘Oh they know what I’m talking about. This story is rated _T_ for _Teens_ not _E_ for, well…’

‘ _E_ for what?’

‘NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY FREAKING NOTHING BECAUSE MCU SPIDEY IS A CHILD AND THAT’S JUST WRONG!’

‘I am still unable to comprehend what you are talking about, Wade.’

Peter sighs, slowly crawling down the wall and over to the pile of clothes. Something churns uncomfortably in his stomach as his _packfamilycluttermine_ fight and it is not at all a pleasant feeling. As his _packfamilycluttermine_ carry on around him, he tentatively picks up the clothes. It’s one piece, a white fabric that he distantly knows is far too large and he knows as soon as he plays with the fabric in his fingers (which are _not right need to change back_ but he resists that because strange death lady wants him in this foreign-familiar form) that these clothes are going to be very uncomfortable.

He doesn’t want to wear them. Still, his _packfamilycluttermine_ started fighting about it and he doesn’t like that at all.

It takes a few tries for him to successfully slip the clothes (a shirt, the back of his mind supplies) over his head. Once he does he shifts uncomfortably in the fabric, wanting nothing more than to tear the clothes to shreds with the strength he knows he has. It’s itchy and restrictive and how is he supposed to catch anything if he’s wearing this? All he wants to do is turn back and snuggle up to **_safe_** again.

But this is what his _packfamilycluttermine_ wants, so Peter settles for constantly shifting around to try and get comfortable.

Once the feeling of cloth against skin has become slightly less unbearable, Peter lets out a proud yet disgruntled sound to get the attention of his _packfamilycluttermine_.

They stop talking to each other, slowly turning as the sound must be very surprising to them, or perhaps it’s the way his lips are twitching upward slightly, half-way transformed fangs poking out. Or maybe they had just forgotten he was in the room. Silly _packfamilycluttermine._

‘Holy shit you did it, Petey!’ The human male says, jumping up and down before moving in to pull Peter into a hug. Peter lets out a warning hiss, but it goes unnoticed. ‘I’m so proud of you!’

Heart thudding in his chest at the restrictive hold and the awful feeling of fabric rubbing against his skin, Peter loses his grasp on why he’s four limbed and wearing clothes and reverts back to the form he is far more comfortable in before scurrying back up into his corner, using his webs to hide himself from the outside world.

The shirt is destroyed in the process.

Hela turns to Wade, who has huddled himself in a different corner (on the floor, thankfully) and sheading ridiculously large tears, mumbling about favourite shirts. ‘Perhaps we should put more thought in how we go about this.’ She says. ‘Shall we write a list?’

In the blink of an eye Wade shoots up, mood switching from pitifully tragic to dreadfully eager. ‘Fuck yeah, let’s write a list.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was mainly me trying to get a feel of how I want to write Spider!Peter, and while I still have no idea what I'm doing, it turned out to be so much fun to write xD


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